Nothing says ‘We’re in the country now’ like making your own butter. “You make your own butter?! OMGasp!” Well, actually, it’s not all that hard to make butter. You can do it in your apartment, martini in hand, sushi reservations just moments away.
I have to say, while homespun butter is fantabulous, it’s just sickly great in general. Trader Joes makes delicious butter! Land-o-Lakes makes delicious butter! If you slather ENOUGH OF IT on a Thomas’ English Muffin, butter is delicious! Period. When you make it yourself, you appreciate it, respect it, and eat more of it. You eat pounds of it per square inch. That’s why it’s so good.
I say make butter. Buy nice butter. Use a whole stick in one day.
Warning: according to the Rule Book, you are never supposed to eat this stuff. Baby cows and goats eat this layer of cream to get big. Eat enough of it and you will get big. But here’s what I say; I’m thin and I’m healthy and, yes, I eat butter. I eat gorgeous, lovely, creamy butter that I either make myself or that comes in super-expensive pretty packaging. The harder it is to make, the more money you pay for it, the more you will savor that English muffin in the morning. Butter is good (my theory). Where else would the ‘it’s like buttah’ phrase come from? Buttah is yummy. Buttah is like butter.
You worked hard for it (see below). Indulge.
So here’s how you make butter:
RECIPE FOR BUTTER
1 QUART HEAVY CREAM
Get a batch of what they label “whipping cream” in the dairy aisle. It’s sometimes called “heavy cream”. Basically, it’s the nastiest and thickest junk Weight Watchers warned you about.
Amount? It really doesn’t matter. The more cream you get, the more butter you’ll make. For beginners, I recommend 1 quart.
So, people, it’s possible that the next step burns off as many calories as the butter has in the first place, but realistically, I truly don’t think so here’s what you now need to do:
1. SHAKE THE HELL OUT OF IT
This is where the Olde-Timey butter churner comes in handy. But frankly, that thing’s Olde and Grotesque-y, so I use my Kitchen-Aid mixer. In my youth (last year), I used to shake it by hand in a Ball Jar, and you can too if you need to bulk up your biceps. Me? Pah-lease. I try not to combine ‘biceps’ and ‘butter’ in the same sentence. Instead I:
POUR THE HEAVY CREAM INTO THE KITCHEN AID MIXER (or Ball Jar and screw on lid tightly).
2. START MIXING
If you’re using a Ball Jar, you can expect shaking the thing for about 15 minutes. If you’re using a mixer, turn it on and keep the mixer going at a medium to high speed until you begin seeing the cream turn into whipped cream then turn into yellow stuff (Yes! Butter!) + a lot of excess liquid (Yes! Whey! Like Little Miss Muffet.). It takes about the same amount of time but you can still indulge in said martini.
When your biceps are burning or you mixer is splashing and your heavy cream has turned into yellow junk (butter) + liquidy stuff (whey), you’re ready for the next step:
While it’s tempting at this juncture to start gobbling up your butter, you need to be diligent about using a spoon and squishing out every drop of liquid you can. I’m usually impatient and always regret it – if you don’t squish out all the whey, the butter will go rancid in a day or two. The point is to separate the solid from the liquid, thus making it more preservable. Take your spoon and squish down again and again (for about 10-15 minutes) until every drop of whey ‘sweats’ out of the creamy butter.
4. POUR OUT THE WHEY
Refrigerate the whey and drink it tomorrow for breakfast. It’s fat-free (you can vouch for that!) and it’s got tons of pro-biotic yumminess.
5. MOLD THE BUTTER
If you wanna be truly Mo-Sto (aka Martha Stewart) about it, then go to France and buy a French butter mold. If you wanna be White-Trashy about it, then plop the junk onto some plastic wrap, roll it into a log-ish shape, and dump it into the fridge until the morning when it’s hardened.
6. ENJOY AT YOUR OWN RISK
With jam. With steamed peas. Off the spoon. Will your ass get as big and fat as your butter? I dunno.
My ass seems no worse for the wear.
Take your boots off before you come in here!